so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
