Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Is this like a preordered booty call?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
