yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize