my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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