Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
