Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
