Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
