totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
