The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
