Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
