Sober January is a disaster.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
