I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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