I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
