I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At least make sure they are 18
Why
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
