Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
