My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
