ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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