I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
there is puke in my bra ... again
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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