Cold hands, warm shart.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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