i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
