Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
