I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
