You just made me feel so damn special
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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