Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
