I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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