Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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