So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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