i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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