I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
