you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
