im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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