the condom got lost in my hair
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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