YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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