Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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