I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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