Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize