I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
