his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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