Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
