you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize