After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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