Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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