Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
