I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
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