so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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