I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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