I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
