Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
