dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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