i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
