P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
