ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
cat food counts as protein by the way
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
