he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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