my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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