i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
