somebody snuck up and got me drunk
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What a dumb baby whore.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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