Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
