Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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