"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
