I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
