ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
