I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
