Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
zippers are such a cool invention
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
17 year olds will be the death of me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
