A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
