i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
