My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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