it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
