someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
