i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
