i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
