I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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