im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
barbara walters just said penis...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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